Let me start right off with this disclaimer: If I left my house without my iPad, I would feel like I was walking around in public without my pants. I am far too addicted to it for my own good. So, with that little confession out of the way, I can say honestly that I am really, sincerely trying to keep this addiction in check, especially when it comes to how I'm spending my time with my children (who are now years older than they were in these pictures, and therefore more self-sufficient, but still deserving of my respect and attention). It's an ongoing process to keep the shiny, news-y, tech-y stuff at bay. I think many of us struggle with our insatiable desire to be "in the know" and connected to everything and everybody 24/7, often at the expense of more important things going on right in front of our (glazed-over) eyes. For example, a friend of mine recently posted this epic rant on Facebook from her 12-year-old daughter (reprinted with their permission, of course!):
Here is the paragraph my daughter Yasmin wrote in school today - #worstmomintheworldaward:"One thing my parents do that drives me crazy is that they always discuss work at the dinner table and punch emails into their Blackberry’s. Last night, I was trying to get my mom to sign my trip sheet, insisting that it needed to be done immediately, but she couldn’t hear a word that came out of my mouth. Her glassy eyes were glued to the sleek, admittedly shiny Blackberry, her lips pursed in a concentrated expression. An hour later, once my dad got home and we started to eat, my two parents rambled on about what was going on in their offices, complaining to one another about nothing in particular, and trying to get information out of each other. Meanwhile, my little brother and I sat there, eating our pork chops and trying to get a word in edgewise. Finally, after twenty minutes of “Bla bla bla...work...bla” and “But, Mom-” and “Wait, but-”, I was asked to clean up the table while they continued their absolutely fascinating conversation and my little brother ran off to play video games. Dinner finished with me waiting to say something that I never got to say, and my parents being finally satisfied with their horrifically boring conversation."
Ouch! And all too familiar, no? I know it really hit a nerve in our own house, where the iPhone and iPad are always within striking distance of the dinner table. Until now. Thanks to Yasmin, out of respect for my own children (and my spouse), I want to declare a "No Tech Zone" while eating with my family. I also think it's important to "walk the walk and talk the talk" when we're setting boundaries and time limits on the technology that our children use--the television, computer, digital game systems, and more. How can we as parents tell them to choose more interesting, more creative, more wholesome things to do ("why not go play outside?"), when we ourselves are glued to a screen? Unless you're the POTUS or a CIA operative, chances are pretty good that the latest news, emails, and phone calls can wait.
One of my favorite books on parenting is called Trees Make the Best Mobiles: Simple Ways to Raise Your Child in a Complex World (St. Martin's Press, 2001) by Jessica Teich and Brandel France de Bravo. In a chapter called "The Long and the Short: The 'Real' Quality Time", the authors write:
"It's difficult for highly accomplished and efficient people to put down their palm pilot...but children simply want to know a grown-up is there. They may not acknowledge your presence, but they'll take pleasure in it. This is the real quality time: time simply to be. In truth, you, too, may welcome a chance to throw off the pressures of the day. With your child, you don't have to be organized, capable, adult."
This sentiment is echoed in another one of my favorite parenting books, Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting (Hyperion, 1997) by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn: "...as parents we often find ourselves, in spite of all our best intentions and our deep love for our children, running more or less on automatic pilot...we are chronically preoccupied and invariably pressed for time, we may be out of touch with the richness, what Thoreau called the 'bloom,' of the present moment. This moment may seem far too ordinary, routine, or fleeting to single out for attention. Living like this, it is easy to fall into a dreamy kind of automaticity as far as our parenting is concerned, believing that whatever we do will be okay as long as the basic love for our children and desire for their well-being is there."
Granted, children are not endlessly fascinating, nor are they worthy of our fiendish attention every second of every day (nor are parents), but I think the lesson here is to tilt the balance in their favor when it comes to how you spend your time. It seems like every parent I've ever encountered who has older children than mine has uttered this phrase at least once: "Enjoy them--it goes so fast!" We all inherently know this fact, yet we continue to advise and remind others about it--presumably because it's such a difficult lesson to put into everyday practice. As Teich and France de Bravo wrap up quite eloquently:
"Soon it'll be your child who has places to go (if only to the mall). Every charming, beckoning toddler becomes a teenager. Each time you say, 'I just need another minute to finish this...,' you squander a moment with your child, never to be reclaimed. Remember, the days are long, but the years are very short."
Food for thought: How do you balance your family time with your use of technological gadgets? Is it really possible to multi-task efficiently while spending time with your family? How would you grade yourself on paying "quality attention" to your children?
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Ohhhhhh! let me count the ways that I love this!!!!! SOOO great, Joy! SO SO great. Recently, I wrote something called the "Declaration of Non-Dependence on Technology" for our home. We have a "phone zone" and everyone is supposed to leave their devices there, except to check them once in the afternoon and once in the evening.... And no devices upstairs... It's not easy. It's not perfect. But, I feel like even TRYING is sending a better message... It is all about an addiction so it is really, really hard and gets harder as the kids get older and devices get "fancier" "better" and more pervasive. So, we soldier on. BTW, I haven't really launched it or done a lot yet but I've written a few blog entries on this and related topics...http://jessdeutsch.blogspot.com/ Curious to know your thoughts if you feel like reading. Also check out the Facebook page for "Princeton Balance" where I post articles on these topics.....I've got some other things brewing along these lines, too. Love to all of you and keep up the great thinking, writing, and trying to navigate!!! Super cute kids, too. Miss you all. xo
Posted by: jess | 10/17/2012 at 05:25 PM
Jess, thanks so much, and I love your official declaration for your home! Really good ideas. It's interesting to get the viewpoint from a parent of teens, because that stage obviously has its own set of technological (and emotional...and developmental...) challenges that are quite different from the ones we're facing now with a 5- and 8-year-old.
I also love your blog's theme about balance--you've got a real goldmine for that topic (because whose life isn't out of whack?!), and I really enjoyed the posts that you've already published. Thanks for sharing them and welcome to the Blogosphere!
Posted by: Joy @ JoyfullyGreen.com | 10/18/2012 at 07:24 AM